Bitch, Please.

Hey guys! So a while ago i wrote a post about losing a friend and guess what? haha that happened again. yay ?! I need to go off and rant about this but also share what I've learned. I can't give you advice about how to deal with it right now but maybe in a while. This time, I'm going to have this in a crazy format. It won't be a good format, it may be all over the place but I'll try. 

Okay so this friend and I had a "fight" and basically they left. Walked to of my life. They meant a lot to me and now they're out, gone, left, whatever. Yeah, sure it does hurt like HELL, but they were part of my journey. It sucks ASS when you lose your best friend. They just decide to be an ass one day and you're like what the ---, okay. I don't know if they will ever come back but they were horrible, a horrible person. Their words and actions hurt but they don't matter because that person mattered, they don't anymore (to me) so nothing they say or do, does. Sure, if that makes me a bitch, okay then I am a bitch but that's how i feel, what and I think. 

I had a conversation with someone and I told them these two things : "I realize that im moody, selfish, impatient, dramatic, a little insecure, and at times a total biotch. i make mistakes, im out of control and im also really hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. i feel like people should know that about me, idk." and "okay i get what you mean but there’s a fine line with having standards, values and self respect/self worth and being an ass. there are so many assholes in our lives but thats different from that statement i said, that statement is talking about standards, values and self worth. i agree about earning people’s trust and they care, totally agree! but telling you hey these are my standards, step up or step out isn’t being a bitch, it’s telling you something. theres a difference. i mean i know when i am bitch and theres a difference. a fine line in the two. i don’t know, our minds work differently."  
Apparently those things are considered to "make people feel like shit." This is what I think, no. They are not, those are my standards, so either step up or step out. If you're ego was shot cause of those words then buddy, seriously, .... that shouldn't happen (smh). Having confidence and standards and self worth doesn't make a bitch, it makes me a woman so GROW UP!

Okay back to the fight.. (told this would be all messed up, sorry) so this person decides to sell a present I gave them for their birthday for $4 (seriously? dick move, smh)  and it was a fidget cube and they said I was being "sad" and I could have the $4 and this is what I said, "it's not the point that it's 4 dollars, hell it could be 1 dollar. it's the point that i got that for you for your birthday and you just gave it away without a second thought. you could've just said you didn't want it" and here's the thing they did want it for a while and mentioned it to me at least 4-5 times to me. I get it if they didn't like it, that would hurt but make more sense, this, they wanted it.
 They decide to fire back with crap, absolute bullshit about my life and giving me labels. Labels? what are you, four? Labels my ass, hon. So anyways, they brought up my past and people I have lost and said "now I know why they left you", okay ouch but moving on...
We don't talk anymore. They said hurtful things and to be honest, this is how I felt: This is my fault, it's my fault he said those things. Maybe I am like that and so on. 
Then I woke up one morning and realized, hell, this bitch left me! Gave up and walked away on the one person, the one fucking person that would've NEVER given up on them! It's not my fault, everyone around me beside the *beep* (insert word for stupid people he's being influenced by) he's being influneceded by are telling it isn't my fault, and it isn't. He sold the present and then got all bitchy about it and decided to cut me off and acts like a horrible person after that.
Anyways apparently I'm labeled by his friends and those people in that group but t doesn't matter because I don't let that define me, it's stupid. Not going to lie, this started off so stupid but it is what it is.

But this is what I've learned: 
He hurt me, he is the jerk and I'm not being cocky or bitchy but that's what everyone's told me. He sold something or whatever but you didnt have to be an ass with all those things you said and how you've been acting for the past few days, a total jerk. He changed, in a negative way, but he changed, can't do anything about it. He hurt me; and made me stronger. He was part of my journey, my life and now he's not (for now at least). If he ever comes back to his senses and snaps out of the influence, i may forgive him but it would take me a hell of a lot to trust him again. I can’t hate someone, because that’s who I am. I won’t be there for him anymore since he doesn’t deserve it but I hope that he never has to face horrible struggles in life. No one deserves that. He said some really awful and horrible things that no one deserves and did not need to be said, at all. but a real friend wouldn't do that. it's funny how he went from meaning everything to me to meaning nothing, absolutely nothing to me. I do not know who he is now, someone different. 
I am strong. I've been through worse and hell, I'm gonna get through this. This is nothing, literally piece of shit, I'll be fine. 
If this has or did happen to anyone of you, I'm sorry but you are strong. They left you. If they're smart they'll realize it, if not then you're better off without them. This is life, it is hard but the best advice I can give you is to occupy yourself during times like it and surround yourself with loved ones!

what i sent to a friend and here if this helps you, great: 

"this is what I’m gonna do .. I’m gonna leave him be. thats what he wants and if it was meant to be it’ll be. one day, he’ll figure out he gave up on the one person who would’ve never given up on him. & until then I’m going to eat ice cream, watch netflix, play volleyball, study, do homework & continue my life as i would, basically occupy myself.
him leaving doesn’t change anything beside that a part of me is gone. yeah when you lose a best friend it hurts more than a break up cause you not only lose your heart but you also lose a huge part of you. he hurt me in ways that shocked me but he’s just another battle I’ve won. he’ll come back if he wants to and if he doesn’t that means he never wanted to be there in the first place & he’ll move on. i don’t think I’m gonna make an effort to talk to him cause he seems happy with out me and yeah that hurts but whatever, he lost me, i just won another battle against life and it’s bullshit."

(to him: and yes I know that there maybe a .00002% chance that you're reading this, go ahead read it. thank you because you did make me stronger. 
with whatever your thoughts/ reasons are for walking out and being they way you are this is what I'll say: yes, there are people who are greater than me. there are people who are less dramatic, smarter, more attractive, easier, and more fortunate. That’s life — full of temptations. But don’t be deceived by those things, because didnt you ever realize that there are people who are also greater than you?  Yet, I chose you as my best friend. 
I'm not mad, just disappointed because you turned into everything you said you'd never be. Maybe I am over-reacting but maybe you're just being a motherfucking jerk & if you want to talk shit about this here is what I have to say: Shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick. Sorry for all the mean, awful, accurate things I said.) 

You are so much more than you think and I just wanted to share this story of mine. I've grown and I'm  okay, or will be. Thank you. 
Love, Darsh <3 


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