Am I Surviving?

I am going to try to answer the tittle in this post. To be honest, I don't know if I am. That wave of bullying came back! yay! (sarcastic alert) Honestly, it was dying out and I was hoping that it would stay that way until summer break started, then it would be gone for good, or so i hope. Maybe I jinxed it! :P ugh. Knowing myself I know I'll survive or at least try. "It's better to try than to give up." I am trying but not succeeding. I think that I maybe still broken or not even 30% okay. Yeah, I'm not  perfectly okay., but who is? Yet, I'm trying, I really am, and that makes the day survivable. I know that i'm not letting the words hurt me, i am shutting out what i don't want to hear, and i'm looking ahead.
I know I'm not surviving  with no pain but neither are two of my friends. They have their own life issues and I try to stay strong around them and I try to help them but then I don't think about myself. I have this personality thing where I HAVE to help everyone. I have to help all of my friends cause I don't want anyone hurt by anything. Although that is an amazing trait, to care, I continue to lose myself. I don't think about me and then all of those stares and "ugh"s I get just pile up and those nights end up with a WHOLE LOT of mascara on my pillow. (yikes, hehe.) Now I do have people like Phan, A.H.,bud or D.B. who seriously will not leave me. There are times I feel like "Go away! I don't want to hurt you with all that's going on with me", but they SERIOUSLY WILL NOT LET GO. It's mainly A.H. and D.B who won't let go. Now don't get me wrong, I can't thank them enough for not letting go and leaving me in the dark. I do the same with A.H., even though he/she is pushing me away. I'm not gonna let go. :P
Still there are times I don't talk to them or anyone. I feel like I need to go into my isolation mode. Sometimes that helps, but it's a THOUSAND times better when I just call someone (not a random and just yell at them and then they help me cool down. Ok, I don't literally yell, I just talk really fast and let out my anger and then cry. Which to be honest, IT IS OKAY TO CRY! Even if you are a guy, and if you're girlfriend is being annoying and may treat you like shit and isn't on her monthly cycle and it's happened more than twice and she's being ugly (personality wise) for no reason then IT IS OKAY TO CRY and then breakup with her. It's not your fault, she's being ugly, and you DO NOT, under any circumstances, DESERVE that. ..K umm. wow. That got deep. :) but it's true.
Now i know that crying alone, to myself, won't help and i can't give myself advice cause that never works. Sometimes when you or anyone else is down, trust me you won't give yourself compliments or advice. That's when you need to hear it from someone else. You need to hear that YOU ARE WORTH IT. Also, that there are so many people who love you and need you. So here's a big fat YOU ARE WORTH IT. Regardless of who is reading this, i'm telling you the truth, you are, and so am I. God created you for reason. Even if you maybe an atheist  which is totally okay, just know that you were created, and there is a huge reason for that, :).

K, now i'm gonna tell you about a story that took place on 4/16/2016 (aka yesterday).

So yesterday i had an argumentative day with someone. The whole day all we did was blaming each other and were yelling and crying. At night, i called a friend and just let it out. I told her that "i don't understand, i'm so done with this person. How can they treat me like shit?" She told me that God (or whatever you believe in) created me for a reason and i'm worth the pain i must endure. I hate it but i have to. It's okay to take the pain for a little bit, but if someone or something is constantly killing you (emotionally or internally) smack it. Kick it. Do whatever you need to tell it that "Guess what? I'm the boss." okay i know, cheesy but true. You are the boss, you control your life.

I posted this on IG a while back but here:

She ended up telling me that'll be okay, and that i'll survive and she told me distract myself. If you can't handle the pain you are going through then distract yourself. You can punch a pillow or watch Netflix or do whatever you gotta do to get out of the negative mindset you are in.

Promise yourself that regardless of who you are or where and when and how you life's position is, you will not let the world control. Only you know which way you are going and only you have the keys to start you car and to take you there.

Regardless of the fact that i'm having a wave of anxiety drown me right now, i'm still going to post this. Not caring who will read it, just hoping that someone within the 8 billion of us will find their keys and start their journey and smile whilst reading these last few words.

P.S. Sorry for the really weird/crappy/awkward nicknames but i'm not that creative.
 have a great week.

~Darshleen Kaur


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